Silence

I'll write this in first person.

14-May-2024

Everything sucks. I have no desire to live, to breath, to survive. At this time, I am not actually sure if I will. I live every second with misery. I can't believe this happened. I can't believe, the only dream I had, fell apart. And I can't believe I was the one to do it. I can't live like this. The problem is, I don't know what to do. I am terrified of not talking to you and losing touch with you, but I have put you through enough pain... so I deserve to deal with the pain of you pushing me away... Don't worry, I understand, I did it myself. I've thought about this so many times. Why did this happen? What is going on with me. I was so close to living my dream. I won't dare to say "we". I'll keep it to myself. My dream.

I don't know what happened with me. I don't know what you've decided to do in your head, and I have no place to ask, given what I've put you through with my condition.

I've thought about reaching out to you so many times already, so many times. I've written messages and erased them, knowing that I might hurt you again since I am still not healthy.

I can't open instagram, I can't open telegram, I can't even see the words Armenia or anything that has to do with it. I fall apart every time. I can feel my heart want to explode any time I come close to those thoughts. I am completely destroyed. And I am most destroyed that this happened, and I couldn't prevent it.

I could write forever about this. I think about this every second of every day. It never leaves my mind. I am also scared that I won't be able to keep sane and I'll end up screwing up my work too, my friends, everything...

Whenever I feel that I want to reach out to you, I stop myself. I have no right to say hello, not until I am healthy, and right now I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Why did this happen? I don't know. I've thought about this so much. I don't know for sure, and I don't know if I'll find out until I am healthy, if I ever become healthy again...

I think the tension over the past 4 months just destroyed my nervous system. I have nothing left. I just couldn't handle anything anymore, even basic things.

I am so sorry I wasn't strong enough. I know words don't mean anything.

I'd give anything in the world for this not to be this way, anything I have. I know words don't mean anything.

The only logical things that comes to my mind is the following.

I have to get healthy. If I am not healthy, my life has no meaning. Until I am healthy, you won't even say hello to me. Maybe you won't say hello to me, even when I am healthy, but I know for sure that if I don't get healthy, nothing will matter in the world. And if I get healthy, maybe good things will happen one day.

Every time I fall apart, every time I can't deal with it anymore, every time I don't want to live anymore and need to call you, I remind myself of this. I need to get healthy.

I don't know if you'll read this or not, and I couldn't get myself to write this to you. I decided that I'd only want you to know this, if you cared to know about me. So I decided to post it here.

I hope you're healthy. I hope you're better than I am. I hope that through all of the misery I put you through, you'll find room in your heart to understand that I wanted nothing but the absolute dream, that was my only intention. I hope you'll see that I tried absolutely everything possible, beyond anything imaginable. It's just my health, my nervous system just couldn't handle the tension anymore. I was closer to losing it completely, than you believe. If there was anything, anything that I could do, anything to become healthy and be ... I promise I wouldn't hesitate. I'd do it...

I have no other words than I am so sorry that this is happening. You don't understand how much pain I am going through. I don't think I can ever, ever be happy like this...

I hope one day I can say hello, and you'll say hello back.