It sounded so cold

He typed and deleted, typed and deleted.

- That's too much.

- That's too cold.

- No, you shouldn't say anything.

- No, you can't not say anything.

- Ok, just say thank you that's it.

- "Thank you"? Are you a fucking idiot? "Thank you"? What a joke.

He kept going back and forth, and just went for something he wasn't happy with. Sent, the undo button did not work, it was too late to change anything.

Sitting in the airport, with his flight delayed over an hour, he's just waiting. It's been a tough few days. He can't do the only thing that helps. He can't work out. It was cold and windy yesterday, but he went on a run anyway, it's pretty much the only thing he can do at this point, and he doesn't know for how long, he'll just have to run -- even if it's cold and windy -- every day. He doesn't want to make it worse and then have to take 6 months off. That would be the worst thing now, it's what keeps him going. 2 weeks, hopefully, that's all hopefully, he'll just run for 2 weeks, and then he can get back in the groove.

Every few hours he logs in and makes another small edit to the deck. Just to make it perfect. He spent way too much time on that deck. He spent over 8 hours on Friday on it. It was going very slow, he tried a bunch of things, and nothing worked well. The first 4 hours felt like he wasn't doing anything, and everything was going to be terrible, but he just kept going and going, and eventually it didn't look so bad. He wants to do a good job. He can't do a bad job. Is it because she will see it? Would he work so hard to do this good of a job if she wasn't involved? Maybe? Probably? Or maybe he wouldn't do it at all. Not because he doesn't want to do it, he does. He probably would have done it anyway, but it would be her absence that would remove the "meaning", that would remind him that something is missing. No, he'd do a good job anyway. He couldn't do a bad job, but right now, he'll spend hours and hours doing it. He thinks to himself, he doesn't want her to see him differently. He wants her to see him the way she always did.

"It will mean a lot to me" -- if only she knew how much. If only she knew how much every little thing means to him. The good and the bad.

Why does he need to push her away in order to feel closer? Why? It works so backwards.

"It will mean a lot to me" -- it almost sounded sarcastic, agh, what a terrible response.

Right now, as he types this, he doesn't know if typing this is the right thing or not. Is he doing the right thing? Is it fair to show this too? Is it fair to show that he thinks about it 24/7 even if he pushed her away? Or is it unfair? It's her choice to see this or not, but he knows she will -- if not this week, then next. He still doesn't know whether he will publish this or not. He probably will. He's already in, how do you stop yourself at this point. He couldn't just leave it at "It will mean a lot to me" -- it sounded way too cold.

He is second guessing whether it's ok to post this or not, honestly, it probably isn't. Agh.

One wolf says -- it's her choice to see this or not. At some point, he needs to be able to do what he feels, without feeling if he's influencing her or not -- but he's an overthinker -- good freaking luck doing that. The other wolf, on the other side, tells him that he's crossing the line of what is "right". Is this a violation or is this ok? Is it ok to write what is on his mind, if she's not forced to see it?

Maybe this is it. Maybe this is that thing. Maybe this is how he let's the universe know what he feels, and it's her choice to know that or not. Is it?

Maybe. He'll see how he'll feel. Maybe this will be the last thing he'll publish. After all, he wants her to do, what she would do on her own, and then go from there.

He knows that any other way is not an option. This is the only option -- because anything else simply won't work. He doesn't know why, but he knows it for sure. Anything else is building your house on a piece of cardboard. It will get wet and fall apart, and he doesn't want that. He can't live like that. It will fall apart because he will ruin it himself, because he can't live with himself like that. He wishes he could, but he simply can't. It's not who he is. He needs to do things right, so he can wake up every morning and be proud of the things that he does. That is -- building things with a foundation -- in a way that they will last. He knows that.

"It will mean a lot to me". Sounds cold -- only if he could describe how much a lot is, it wouldn't sound so cold and rainy as his run was yesterday.

She doesn't know how many times he thought "I hope she didn't cancel the order."

I hope, I'll receive it, even if it will be the last thing I'll ever receive from her.

I want to have it. I want to have it no matter what. I want to have it no matter the outcome, and I want to hold it dear for as long as it feels right. I have the right to hold it dear no matter what. I have the right to do it. I have the right to love it, and choose for it to remind me of her, even if I couldn't do what she wanted.

She would want him to. She would want him to hold it dear, she would want him to be happy with it, no matter what the future holds. And he will.

He needs to board the plane now. Who knows what the future holds. Just hopefully less cold and rainy days.